Had a VERY Merry Christmas!

We had a FANTASTIC first Christmas for Olivia! Poor John was working third shift on Christmas Eve, so he got off at 7am on Christmas Day. He got home and wanted to sleep, but I really wanted us to open our stockings because my parents wanted us to wait to open Olivia's presents until they came over. I really wanted the three of us (me and John and Olivia to have a little private time before all our family came over). Not that I minded sharing the present opening with family--this way we got to do both. I feel kind of guilty because John was REALLY tired! He's really behind on sleep because of working third shift so much lately. Now he's working first shift, which works MUCH better with our schedules. Anyway, John's mom came over with some stuffed French toast and fruit salad for John, then my parents came over and we made all the food for Christmas lunch. Then we opened presents. Olivia really loved that remote controlled car John got her. She even figured out really quickly that if she shook the rattle, the car would drive around in circles. I hate to brag so much on my own child and I know I'm partial, but she's SO SMART! Lol. Anyway, we ate and watched A Christmas Story and that was our Christmas. Pretty quiet, but I think it was a little much for Olivia--she started being pretty cranky and woke up once last night--at 4:30am, then went back to bed and slept till 7am, which was WAY later than she normally sleeps. I got up with John and packed his lunch with leftovers and ate breakfast before she even woke up. It was a great first Christmas for Olivia. I was really happy. :-) I'm really happy with my lot in life lately. I was on the couch with Olivia today and she was asleep on my chest and I was thinking that I really ought to put her down and do some laundry and then I thought What the hell. She's only going to want to take a nap in my arms for a limited time. She's growing up so fast it won't be long till high school and dating and proms and graduation and I want to savor this darn it! Nobody ever looks back on their life and thinks "Should've done more laundry!", but they DO look back and wish they had more time with their loved ones. So I'm going to take it while I can and worry about other things later!

To Santa or not to Santa....?

So this Christmas has really brought some things up for me. It's been a REALLY long time since we bothered with Santa Claus in my family. I'm not sure when I stopped believing (or if I ever truly did believe that he exsists). It meant a lot to my mom, but it never really meant that much to me. Since we had Olivia though it's really got me thinking. I'm still on the fence about whether I want to do Santa or not. On the one hand, it really means a lot to John and my mom to do it with Olivia. On the other hand, I'm coming to a better place with God and Catholicism. I want to make sure Olivia knows that presents and Santa (if we do Santa) are way, WAY second to the true reason for the season--Jesus. John and I already talked about not going overboard with the presents (like my parents kind of did with me) and only giving Olivia three gifts (one she needs, one she wants, and one she reads) after the three gifts that Jesus got. I also really like the idea of doing a "birthday party for Jesus" like one of my friends does on Christmas Eve. Instead of having milk and cookies out for Santa, they make a birthday cake for Jesus and celebrate and pray. I enjoyed having Santa when I was little, but it is being used not to further secularize and commercialize Christmas, which I am VERY much against! I like doing gifts at Christmas, but I like GIVING them more than RECEIVING them. It makes me really happy giving gifts to my loved ones and seeing them happy. I think Christmas is about the birth of Jesus and about family and love. I want Olivia to understand that too and understand that it's not just about getting gifts and whatever you want. Also, the idea of Santa is kind of creepy --a fat, old, bearded man that watches you sleeping and sneaks into your house via chimney? CREEPY!!! I talked to John about it and he does want to do Santa with Olivia, but I'm just not sure about it. It's hard because I was raised with Santa, so I wouldn't know how to NOT do it with her. I don't want to take something precious away from her childhood, but my moral compass is just not pointing towards the North pole......

Job interviews, Anniversary, and Christmas preparations, OH MY!

So this last week I had two more job interviews! That makes four job interviews this month, which is awesome because prior to this I'd had a grand total of ZERO! I felt like I was sending my resume out into the black hole of unemployment. My first was a Customer Service Representative job with AT&T. My mom had recommended it to me, but I wasn't really all that excited. I heard back from them almost immediately though. My mom says they had to fire basically the whole department and are hiring all new people. They said my background was perfect for the job (let's hear it for 6 years in the customer service/retail industry!) It wasn't really a job interview though, it was a computer test. They made us take three tests, one of which was a simulation of customer phone calls using the actual computer system they use for the calls. I feel like I did really well on it and there's no reason I SHOULDN'T get that job, which would be perfect for me. I think I would really enjoy it and I would be working in the same building as my mom, so I would get to eat lunch with her everyday, which would be awesome. There's also a Kindercare really close by so Olivia could go to daycare there and I'd be able to get her if anything came up. The other was for La Petite Academy. They were looking for someone to fill in shifts and run their afterschool program for older grade children. John had a job interview with the Jefferson County Sheriff's Dept. They were unsure of him at first because he told them about getting fired from Carmax. He told them what happened (and it really was Pip's fault anyway) and they said it had been almost 18 months since it happened and it wasn't really all that bad anyway. They're taking him in for the polygraph and agility tests soon. I'm hoping that soon John and I will both have new jobs! If we did, life would be absolutely perfect for us--a nice house, good jobs, and a beautiful, healthy, sweet baby girl--what more could anyone want out of life?

Today is John's and my 3rd anniversary. I got really mad at John yesterday because I thought we were going to be doing something for our anniversary yesterday (he was supposed to work today, but traded shifts with somebody). I thought he hadn't planned anything for us--he does that kind of often. We got into a fight about it and I told him I just didn't want to do anything for any of our anniversaries because I was tired of expecting him to do stuff for it and being disappointed! Then I found out he had planned for his mom to babysit Olivia today so that we could have a date-day and he had wanted it to be a surprise for me because he knows how much I love surprises. That made me feel like a total dirtbag... :-/ I did apologize though. I really was sorry....

We went Christmas shopping for Olivia yesterday and it was oh-so much fun! I got her one of those things where you stack the different sized rings and John got her a remote-controlled car. Yes....really.... It's RATTLE controlled. The baby shakes the rattle and the car goes. It's supposed to teach cause-and-effect or something, but I think John just thought it was awesome. It was pretty cool. It says for 6 mos+, but I don't think Olivia will be able to figure it out for a while anyway... Lol We're having Christmas at our house this year--we actually decorated (okay, I actually decorated) and my parents and John's mom normally don't. Also, it's easier to have everyone come to us all at once instead of us trying to get Olivia around to visit everybody else. I'm excited. I think Olivia will really enjoy this Christmas (as much as she can) and she REALLY loves seeing my parents and John's mom, so that'll be a nice treat. I don't think she's seen Barbara since THANKSGIVING!

The millk-bag needs to let go a little.....

I'm going to brag on my husband John for just a second --he's such a wonderful husband and father! We were having the WORST time putting Olivia down to bed last night! It was partially my fault--we fed her dinner (prunes and sweet potatoes) and I was nursing her on the couch and she fell asleep. I was so tired, I just laid right down with her and went to sleep too! We slept for about an hour and a half and when I woke up, I had a terrible headache and I told John I didn't want to give her a bath, I just wanted to go to bed. He tried to warn me, and I honestly don't know WHAT I was thinking --she NEVER goes to bed well on nights we don't do her regular nightttime routine. Anyway, she and I went to bed and slept for about an hour when she woke up and was being playful. John gave her a bath by himself because I felt so bad. Then I tried to nurse her to sleep, but she would just NOT GO to bed! John finally sent me to bed and stayed up with her. I couldn't sleep though. I could hear her in the living room crying and crying and it made me so upset! I dunno if it's just a mommy-thing or because of the breastfeeding bond or what, but I feel TERRIBLY guilty when I'm not taking care of her. It was like I could hear Nanny 911 in my ear saying "She's fine. Her father's taking care of her. There's no reason for you to go in there." And that's all true. I'm always complaining to John that he doesn't do enough as a dad, but he WANTS to, I just won't let him! Like last night...he had everything totally under control with Olivia and I was soooo tired and had such a bad headache, but it almost killed me not going in there to comfort her myself. Pip is getting married tomorrow and the rehearsal dinner is tonight. My parents are watching Olivia for us all day tomorrow and John's dad and Leona are watching Olivia for us tonight so we can go to the rehearsal dinner. Well....John was already going to the dinner and I was going to stay at home with Olivia (I didn't want to ask my parents to watch her two days in a row and his mom is out of town) I'm really excited about the time I'm going to get to spend with John (and our friends) tonight and tomorrow for such a happy occasion, but it's going to be really hard --I DO feel guilty spending so much time away from Olivia! I have another job interview next Friday with AT&T and I'm really hoping SOME job...ANY job will pan out for me, but when I do finally get a job, it's going to be SOOOOO hard for me to not be with Olivia 24/7 for the first time in her life! It's something I have to do though and it'll be good for both of us.

On a side note, Olivia started doing something last night that John and I were CRACKING UP about! I posted on the LeakyB@@b yesterday that "You know you're a breastfeeding mom when: You walk through your house with one boob hanging out and don't realize it till you see yourself in the mirror. Then you realize you have no idea how long you've been walking around like that." A TON of other BF moms thought that was hilarious. Last night I thought of a new one. Olivia has been putting both hands on either side of my breast while she's eating and squeezing them together and kneading with her fingers. Lol John says she's "milking me". I fussed at her about it (it REALLY hurt!) She gave me such a look! Like "Be quiet, milk bag, I'm eating here!" I told John "You know you're a breastfeeding mom when: You feel a sense of kinship with and pity for a cat you see nursing a litter of kittens...." Lol! I swear, I know it's normal and natural, but sometimes I feel like such an ANIMAL when I'm feeding Olivia. Like...less human...going back to our natural primate-roots!

Family Day

So I finally got to go to Family Day at John's unit. He's been trying to get me to go for years, but stuff always comes up. Usually it was because I was working at JCPenney and you just can't get a weekend off from retail THIS time of year! But last year I think I was teaching Sunday school and doing lector at church or something. Anyway, I got to go this year and it was BOOOORING! They did some church service which I didn't attend because I don't feel comfortable attending Protestant church services (Yes, I am kind of being that way, but whatever) Mostly John and I just hung out and talked and showed off the baby. EVERYONE loved seeing her, kept commenting on how cute she is. She is pretty stinkin' cute, if I may be so prejudiced. Olivia was in a great mood too--smiling and laughing at everybody--which was kind of a relief because she's been teething so bad lately. After that we went to Baumhower's because I was REALLY craving some wings and fried pickles. John was still in his dress uniform and Olivia and I were still in our dress up clothes and I didn't think about it at the time, but I'm sure people were looking at us. I always forget when we go out and John's wearing his Army uniform that people stare at us. Anyway, we were just over there eating and feeding Olivia her baby food when our waitress came up and told us somebody had paid for our lunch, so we wouldn't be getting a ticket! John and I were FLOORED! Then kind of panicked because we didn't have any cash with which to tip our waitress, but she told us they had even taken care of her tip! It makes John feel uncomfortable, I think. People are always paying for his lunch or giving him gifts when he's out in his uniform (one time somebody gave him a Beanie baby wearing fatigues!) or even just coming up to thank him for his service. He asked me one time what he should say when somebody comes up to thank him. I told him to just say "You're welcome", which he does now (still looking a bit uncomfortable though). After lunch we went to Buy Buy Baby. I just wanted to look at their Christmas stuff. I was disappointed--most of it was already gone. I did get Olivia one of her Christmas presents (a giant version of her teething caterpillar, which she loves). I'm going to put it in her giant stocking that we got! I also was looking at one of those kits to make a baby handprint ornament. I wasn't really sure about spending the money, but John could tell I wanted to get it, so he said I should go ahead. I did. We had a lot of fun making it. Lol The print we got is really good, but it kind of looks like she's doing the Vulcan "Live long and prosper" sign, which is funny. We had some leftover mold and were goofing around, so we also made one with Achilles's pawprint (we didn't have enough left to make one of Olivia's foot) They're both really cute. They came with some pink, blue, yellow, and white ribbon so you can hang them depending on whichever color you like, but I'm going to use some of the red and green yarn leftover from making our Christmas wreath. I think it'll make the ornament looking a little Christmasy-er. I'm glad we went ahead and bought the kit. It wasn't very expensive, but John and I are hurting for money. I was looking at Olivia though and thinking that in a couple of weeks she's going to be SIX MONTHS OLD! I can't believe it! I love that she's growing and learning and can do new things everyday, but I'm also a little sad. When she was a newborn, I would hold her while she slept and just STARE at her! I knew that those moments would be short and over before I knew it, so I wanted to savor it as much as I could. I would stare and stare at her every chance I got to try to sear it into my mind how she looked, how she smelled, how absolutely beautiful she was, and still....she's growing up! I know that I'll cherish that ornament for years from now when she's all grown up and being a teenager and thinking John and I are total losers... Lol

SAHM no more? Plus...thoughts on pregnancy.

So I've been looking for a job like crazy the last couple of months. John's got a pretty good job, but he just makes enough for us to cover our bills and not much else. The only problem is I can't just go back to working retail like I was before because I have to make enough to pay for Olivia's daycare (we don't have any family that could watch her for us during the day) and daycare is EXPENSIVE! Anyway, I had TWO job interviews this past week, which is AWESOME! One was for a teaching position at the daycare center really close to where John and I live. That would obviously be my first choice. It doesn't pay SUPER great and we wouldn't get a discount on Olivia's daycare till she's 18 mos old, but it's so so close to our house and I'd feel a lot better about having Olivia in daycare if I were there the whole time. Also, I wouldn't have to worry about taking off work for holidays when the daycare is closed--they go along with school schedule. I would make enough to cover the cost of Olivia's daycare with enough leftover to make it worth my while. I also had an interview at a staffing agency. They find people to fill positions at offices all over the Birmingham area. I'm hoping something could work out that way too because the pay would be better than teaching and I wouldn't have to take my work home with me--I could just go home and focus on Olivia and John. Either way my options are good, for which I'm really thankful.

I was reading this article this morning about this celebrity who just had a baby and was talking about her hair falling out after she had the baby and how women never talk about stuff like that! It got me to thinking about what women go through during pregnancy. I had never heard half this stuff until I actually got preggo. Then every woman that saw me wanted to tell me about being pregnant! Bad stuff too... :-/ I was taking a shower, thinking about it, pulling clumps of my hair out so it wouldn't clog the drain (my pp hairloss was delayed because of the breastfeeding) I thought about all the mornings and nights of debilitating heartburn. Of throwing up in really embarassing places--gas station parking lots, restuarants, the time I didn't make it to the bathroom and threw up in the floor of our favorite Mexican restuarant. I thought about the acne I developed that STILL hasn't gone away. The stretch marks that criss-cross across my breasts, stomach, thighs. About how my stomach looks all crazy and poochy because it got all stretched out. How I lost all my baby weight because of the breastfeeding, but still can't wear most of my dresses because my breasts are HUGE! Then I think about how none of that matters at all. I think about the nights where I'd lay on the couch while John laid his head on my belly and talk to Olivia and she'd kick right where his face was! How when I ate dinner too fast, she'd get the hiccups and I couldn't stop laughing because my belly would twitch every time she hiccuped. How I would sit in Dr. Truss's World War I class taking notes and nobody (not even Dr. Truss!) could concentrate because Olivia was rolling around and you could see my whole belly roll every time she moved. I think about how scared I was when I found out that my placenta had failed and I'd have to have a c-section RIGHT THEN. And how I felt the first time she latched on succeessfully and I realized that not only did I sustain her life for nine months inside my body, but I would also keep her alive with my milk--just like millions of women did with their own babies thousands of years before I was born. Olivia is the biggest blessing I've ever had in my life and everytime I looked at my crazy poochy belly and stretch marks, I feel proud because that's what I did for my daughter and not only would I do it again in a heartbeat, I can't wait till John and I are ready for baby #2 (though it will be a LONG while! Lol)

Up all night....

So this week John is working the third shift at his job (11pm-7am). I'm not 100% sure, since she IS teething, but I think this change is kind of bothering Olivia. The two last nights (not including last night, but the nights before) she was having a REALLY hard time going to sleep--she just absolutely DID NOT want to! Last night, I had a really easy time getting her to go to sleep, so I thought she'd sleep good, but she was up EVERY two hours! It got to where I didn't even get bothered by it. I'd just get up, zombie-walk over to get her, nurse her for 10-15 min, and put her back to bed. I guess I'm getting back into the "newborn" rhythm and it just doesn't bother me anymore. Anyway, I talked to my mom about it this morning and she said she read that I'm not supposed to feed her at night because she'll get into the habit of eating again at night. I'm not sure, but I think that info is for formula fed babies, which makes sense because formula is for feeding and nothing else. I said I wasn't going to be getting back on facebook (and I'm still gonna try to stick to my guns about commenting on people's posts and walls, and not updating my status), but I just HAD to ask my friends on this breastfeeding page (The Leaky B@@b, isn't that hysterical??) to see what they think. I think a lot of times people who haven't breastfed assume bf and ff babies are the same and they completely aren't. I even thought last night that maybe the reason Olivia was getting up so much was because I wasn't producing enough milk to satisfy her, so I made a couple ounces of formula to "fill her up". She drank a tiny bit, refused the majority of it, and then nursed herself back to sleep after that. I really don't think it's the FOOD she wants at night. I think it's the comfort of it--the nursing, and me holding her close, etc. because her teeth are hurting her. Poor baby... :-/