Secret diary of a working mom (but maybe not for long...)

So I haven't updated since I started my job. Not sure why except that being a working mom is a lot harder and more time consuming (for me anyway) than being a stay at home mom. I've had my job for two months now and I've been OVER THE MOON happy! I love having a reason to wear nice clothes and leave the house. I feel like I'm contributing (financially anyway) to our family and because of our financial problems being lifted, it's really helped me and John's marriage. Olivia is doing really well in daycare and I really enjoy the time I get to spend with her a lot more now--I'm more appreciative of it. I don't get to spend as much time with her anymore, so the time I do is more precious. The only problem with my job is the strict attendance policy--I can't miss ANY time! I missed a half day twice when I had pneumonia which wasn't a super huge deal, but then on Friday, I got terribly, TERRIBLY sick at work. I was throwing up and being super sick. I called my mom to come pick me up (I couldn't drive and John was supposed to be picking up Olivia) and I told her that I was really sick and needed her to come get me and take me to the hospital. They took me to the ER and they had to do a CT scan on my stomach. They found a blockage in there (they don't know what caused it) and told me that I would have to be hospitalized for a few days with a tube up my nose and down the back of my throat into my stomach to drain out all the stuff that had built up in my stomach. Luckily John was able to get his mom to spend the night at our house with Olivia so he could spend the first night with me in the hospital. It was TERRIBLE! I only got a little sleep because that tube really hurt! Olivia came to the hospital to see me the next day and I had missed her so so bad. It was the first night we had ever spent away from each other...in her whole life! I really missed her, but she was freaked out by the tube up my nose and didn't really want me to hold her or anything. :-( I'm better now, but I had to miss three days of work because I was so sick. I don't have to go back to work till tomorrow, but I'm so terrified I'm going to be fired. I really don't want to lose my job, but I was so so sick. I knew it was a possibility when I left on Friday, but I don't see how I could have done it any differently. I didn't want to lose my life and not get to see my little girl grow up just trying to keep my job and that was kind of a possibility if I hadn't gone to the hospital. I guess I'll just have to trust that God is leading my life in the direction that it needs to be going....

First day of daycare

So we decided to start sending Olivia to daycare this week so she can get used to it (also so I can get used to it) and I can get some stuff done around the house that I desperately need to get done before I start my new job next week. Today was Olivia's first day at daycare. I decided to use it as a trial run to make sure that I could get ready, get her ready, feed her, and get her and all her stuff loaded up in the car and to the daycare center and make it to work on time--while contending with morning I-65 traffic. Unfortunately Olivia was up all last night and we only got about 4 hours of sleep. I woke up a half hour later than I had originally meant to get up, but we still somehow managed to get everything ready and get her over there in plenty of time. John and I dropped her off in the infant room and then went to the director's office to finish filling out some of her paperwork. When we went back to check on her before we left, she was perfectly happy, sitting in the swing, munching on her caterpillar and smiling at everybody who walked by. We left and ran a bunch of errands and did some stuff around the house and I left to go get her this afternoon when John left for work. They said she had two and half of the four bottles I packed for her and was "cheerful and content" the whole day. They said she did great and participated in "circle time" and played with blocks and was a perfectly happy little girl the whole day. She only got one nap though (and she's normally used to two), so she was pretty tired and fell asleep on the way home. I let her sleep, but woke her up and am trying to keep her awake till it's time for her bedtime routine. We're moving her bedtime an hour earlier since I'm going to have to get up pretty early and I don't want her napping this close to bedtime. I can tell she's really tired though--her eyes look red-rimmed and she's being kind of fussy. Poor thing. I'm super proud of her for doing so well in daycare and it wasn't as bad for me as I thought it was going to be. John kept reminding me that I could call if I wanted, but that they would call me if anything happened. I'm glad I got to stay home with her for as long as I did (almost 7 months) because if I had sent her to daycare when she was 6 weeks old, it would have been considerably harder. I'm so excited though about all the blessings God has given us! John OFFICIALLY found out about his job today and I passed my background check, so we're both officially employed in really good jobs. I'm super excited about it. It's so wonderful for our family. :-)

Mommy guilt

So today John and I took Olivia over to Kindercare to get her all registered and find out what we need to know about having her go to daycare. I thought I'd be more emotional, but I'm really just excited. Not about being away from her, I know that'll be hard, but I think she's gonna have so much fun--playing with other babies and getting new experiences. I feel weird about having a child. My friends are all mourning their children growing up, lamenting the fact that their babies aren't....well...BABIES anymore. I'm not like that. Every day that Olivia grows and learns something new brings me joy! I love seeing that. I'm EXCITED about her walking and talking and playing and going to school. I can't wait till she can come home and tell me what fun thing she did or a new friend she made! I'm also excited for me--starting a Big Girl job and helping bring more money into our family. I put something to that effect on Facebook and several of my friends commented. One said that she would PREFER to stay at home with her baby, but couldn't and "to each their own". Another posted how she HATED when she had to go to work and be separated from her kids. I know I'll feel that way too--Olivia has been with me all day, every day for her entire LIFE! I'll still be her mommy, but it's not going to be the same for either of us. I know this is best for us, but I still feel so guilty. I need to work--it's a good opportunity for Olivia to socialize with other people and babies her age and learn new things. It's good for me because it'll get me OUT OF THIS HOUSE! I feel like I'm going CRAZY being stuck here all day! I never get to talk to anybody. I cling to John and my mom like a lifeboat in the middle of an ocean in the middle of a hurricane. I need to be around people. I need to feel useful and make money and give things to my daughter that I wanted and didn't get to have. We could make it by on John's salary, but with me working too, we'll be making LITERALLY twice the money! I won't get to spend as much time with Olivia, but I won't be as depressed all the time and the time I do get to spend with her will be better--I'll be happier, John will be less stressed about money, we'll get to take trips as a family to the beach and to New Orleans and to England with my mom. So...why do I feel guilty? I feel like I'm being a bad mother by being happy and excited about the new possibilities that are opening for our family now. I feel like....I feel like I should HATE having to do this and I just....don't.... And that makes me feel worst of all.....

New job and Ferber Method

So much has happened since the last time that I posted that I hardly even know where to begin! To start with...John and I did decide to stick with the Ferber Method (commonly known as the Cry It Out Method) I was pretty apprehensive about it because..well...just because. It was hard, but the second night, she only cried for 15 minutes (with us checking on her every little bit, of course) before she went to sleep. She slept until about 3 am and I moved her into our bed. The night before last she cried for about 30 minutes before going to sleep, but she unfortunately rolled over and whacked her head on the slates of the crib and woke up. She eventually went back to sleep and slept till 4am. I moved her back into our bed. Last night she cried when we put her in her crib, but was asleep before we even made it down the stairs. She slept until 6am! That's the longest she's slept by herself in her crib and she seems so perky and happy this morning! It's amazing. I want to say I wish we had done it sooner, but I don't. I'm glad we did it when she's older because...well...she's older and it's better to do when she's not just a little baby. It's ESPECIALLY good because...I finally got a job! My mom pulled it so that I got an official interview for that AT&T job and even though they said I wasn't as qualified as some of the other candidates, they hired me anyway! I start Monday, January 23. This means Olivia is going to start daycare, of course. We're taking her tomorrow to get her enrolled and see if she can go a couple of days this week to get used to it before I'm working. The same day I got the AT&T job, John found out he got that job with the Jefferson County Sheriff's Dept. so we're finally gonna be completely set! I'm so, SO excited! I'm finally gonna have everything I've always wanted out of my life--a real, big girl job, a wonderful husband, a beautiful baby, a nice house, financial security...What more could a woman want from life? :-)

Not sure which one of us CIO more!

So last night I got totally fed up with Olivia. Her sleep patterns have been erratic at best since we moved her into her crib--she's actually only slept one whole night since we moved her. She usually ends up in our bed or asleep in her swing in the living room with us on the couch or some variation of those things. I have gotten prolly two GOOD nights sleep in two weeks and one of those was only because John was nice enough to stay up with her in the living room. Anyway, last night she just wouldn't go to sleep. We did her nighttime routine, everything was the same, but she just wanted to party. I got fed up and decided to just let her cry it out. I've read about the technique--most of my friends with kids have done it and it worked, they recommend it to me, and, to be perfectly honest, I didn't think it was any big deal. She was clean, fresh diaper, freshly fed, etc. There was NOTHING wrong with her, so I figured it would be fine. She cried for an hour. We did what the technique said and checked on her every ten minutes. I picked her up once, which I wasn't supposed to do and John called me out. The other times I just tried to comfort her. It was HORRIBLE! It was the worst thing I've done since....well since ever. She was just laying there with tears pouring down her face, reaching out to me. This morning she's tired and needy. She doesn't want me to put her down or leave her alone at all. John says we need to stick with it--it's supposed to take three nights to work, but I just don't know if I can do it again! I just sat downstairs listening to her cry for me and I was sobbing and it was just terrible. I want a good night's sleep, but not at the cost of my daughter's emotional well-being. On the other hand, experts say it's good for babies. It supposed to teach them to self-soothe so they can fall asleep by themselves. My mom never let me "cry it out" and I was always afraid to sleep by myself (I still am sometimes!) I don't want Olivia to feel that way, but I don't see how letting her cry by herself in the dark is the answer either. I've heard it works, if you stick with it, but I just don't know if I can stick with it long enough for it to work. What if it damages the relationship and the trust I've built with her over the last six months? What if I DON'T do it and she's too dependent on me? My mom always said she wanted to raise me to be independent, but her over-closeness has made it the opposite. I'm not independent at all! I just don't know what to do. I want to do what's best for Olivia, I just don't know what that is......

Ode to my daughter....

I realized today that I spend a lot of time complaining about my lot in life. It can be difficult, but it's not that I don't love my life, it's just that it's a hard transition to make. It's also hard reconciling the life I'm living with the life I always thought I would live. Let me just state briefly that this is NOT the life I thought I would be living. If someone had told me ten years ago that John and I would end up falling in love, getting married, and having children, I would have thought they were CRA-A-A-ZY! I mean...not only did John and I have the hot hates for each other in high school, he was also in love with my best friend! I always sort of thought I'd end up married to Morgan (dodged a bullet there) or would be a teacher and live in a cute little brick garden home near my parents house with a few cats and a couple of pugs--at least until I found the guy for me and got married. Anyway, my point is that life rarely turns out the way you think it's going to, but that doesn't make it a bad thing at all. I do love my life--I'm so blessed to have wonderful, wonderful parents, an amazing husband who does everything in his power to make me happy, and a beautiful, healthy, sweet baby girl. Motherhood is the hardest, scariest, most wonderful, most time consuming, and least selfish thing I think I've ever done in my life. I always thought that I wanted to have 2-4 children, but now that I have Olivia...I don't see a point. God gave me the most incredible blessing (one that I surely don't deserve) that I could ever in my life receive and it seems almost selfish to have another child! Olivia is wonderful and amazing and everything that I could ever want in a child. I love her. I love that she has my mom's big blue eyes, I love that she has one dimple in her cheek (that we can't figure out where it came from because no one in the family has dimples!) I love that when we take her out places, people always comment on how much hair she has. I love how happy she is to see John when he gets home from work and how she smiles so big whenever my parents talk to her on the speakerphone. I love how she laughs so big every time we pretend like we're munching on her belly. I love taking naps with her on the couch in the afternoon and I love how excited she gets to see me when I pick her up after my parents have been babysitting her. I'm so excited for her life--for taking her to the park to play and taking her to the circus. I'm excited for her first day of school and hearing about what she learned about and boys that she gets crushes on. I'm excited to see if she wants to be in band, like John and I were, or drama or choir or cheerleading or dance team or volleyball or yearbook. I'm excited about shopping for prom dresses with her and watching movies and eating popcorn with her on Saturday afternoons (just like I did with my mom) I love my daughter and I don't know what I did to deserve her (I definitely think I'm undeserving of this blessing), but I'm so thankful to God for blessing my life so much and I'll spend the rest of my life thanking Him everyday for her! The End. :-)

Lying to your kids: Necessary evil or just plain evil?

So I was reading this thing on TODAY Moms that was talking about moms lying to their kids--about a variety of things, big and small. A lot of the moms commenting on the article were saying that they would NEVER lie to their kids, that it was wrong, etc. etc. It got me to thinking about lying to your children. Parents spend a bulk of their children's childhoods telling them "DO NOT TELL LIES!", but then they lie to their kids about any number of things: from big things like Santa, Tooth fairy, Easter bunny, the death of pets, etc. to little things like whether you're REALLY out of ice cream or if the ice cream truck is just a "music truck". It got me to wonder: When it is okay to lie to your kids? I asked John if he thought it was okay to lie to kids and he said "Sometimes". No help there. I would ask my parents, but I know what they would say. My mom would say "No, it's NEVER okay to lie to your children!", but she was the main proponent of Santa Claus, even going so far as to perpetuate belief in Santa Claus till I was in high school! (In fact, she STILL acts like she completely believes in the jolly old man) My dad would say "It's ABSOLUTELY okay to lie to your kids!" He lied to me fantastically and often when I was a child. My favorite was when I was 3 or 4 and I asked him why the moon changed shape. He told it was God winking at me. Now according to the parents that commented on TODAY Moms, my dad should have taken the time to explain to me (a 3 or 4 year old) the phases of the moon, etc. I would have known about it early (actually prolly not, since I prolly wouldn't have understood what the heck he was talking about), but it would have made my childhood a little less fun. Is it okay to lie about some things in order to make sure your child stays innocent in their childhood as long as you can? Or should you "practice what you preach" and NEVER lie to your children, even if it causes them to grow up too fast? I know there has to be a fine line between the two--but where should you draw it? And how do you KNOW where you should draw that line?

Sometimes I feel like a single mom....

Okay, that's not EXACTLY true. I mean...John works to pay the bills and when he's home, he spends a lot of time with me and Olivia and helping me with Olivia (most of the time, I mean...I still feel like I do the bulk of the work even when John is home), but I feel so frustrated sometimes. Like today--he was supposed to go with James to work on his car after he got done doing the physical test for a job he's interviewing for. That was fine. He told me that he was going to be done about 5pm, but when I talked to him, he said that James had been screwing around and they were JUST getting to Trussville to work on the car and it would actually be closer to 8pm or 9pm. That would be fine, except I've been home with the baby all day everyday BY MYSELF for a week. I feel really lonely and I NEVER (very rarely) get a break from Olivia and being a mom. Most of the time, that's how I want it--it stresses me out when somebody takes care of her other than me, but I'd like John to WANT to be home with us. I'm not going to make him spend all his free time with us, but shouldn't he WANT to? This isn't how I thought being married with kids would be......

Having a bit of an existential crisis.

I was being super cranky when John got home from work yesterday. There could be any number of reasons: I was trying to make plans with Sarah yesterday to take the girls to the park--it was such a beautiful day and I just REALLY needed to get out of the house! She agreed and then kept postponing it. She finally texted me and said her sister had just called and said she really needed her (Sarah) to come pick her up from work. I was pretty mad. Not only because I had really been looking forward to going to the park with the kids, but also because she freakin' does stuff like this all the time! She's SO undependable! Right after I had Olivia, I was late everywhere and for everything and Sarah was like "Yeah, now you know why I am the way I am!" Well...yeah...Though I DID have a newborn baby and now that I've been at it for 6 mos we're never (okay, very rarely) late for things anymore. Because I've adjusted. I know how much time it will take to get me and Olivia both ready, pack her bag, pack her in the car and GO! I've got it down to a science even. Sophia's almost THREE and Sarah STILL doesn't have her stuff together! She's always been like that! Anyway...it just really got to me yesterday, I was so totally disappointed. Then John got home a little late because he had to stop to run an errand, which is fine, but I STILL didn't get to go to the park to play with Olivia because it was dark (or getting that way) and pretty cold by the time he got home. I think I'm having more "Baby blues", or something. It's really hard because right before I got pregnant I got diagnosed with pre-menstral dysphoric disorder, but didn't do anything about it because then I got pregnant and those hormones (I guess) were overwhelmed with crazy preggo hormones. I wasn't really DEPRESSED or angry when I was pregnant, I just had these moments where I would cry over weird things (like Fancy Feast commercials and the movie Space Cowboys). Since I'm still breastfeeding Olivia, I haven't gotten my period back yet, but I'm starting to get the PMDD symptoms back again--I'll lose control and rage at John, or get super DUPER depressed and...well....I prolly ought to go on anti-depressants, but I'm pretty hesitant to do that because I don't want to stop breastfeeding Olivia (at least until I get a job) and also because anti-depressants lower your sex drive and John and I are already having problems with that because breastfeeding does that too. That, combined with staying home all day with Olivia and feeling so lonely, has REALLY made me depressed. Lately it's been hard to even get out of bed and do things. I feel like I'm not really full-filling my potential, I feel like I'm not contributing to my family and I just don't want to look back on my life and feel like I didn't really accomplish anything. I was talking to John about it last night and he pointed out that I have a great life--a life that a lot of women would love to have. I have a great husband, a beautiful and healthy baby girl. We have our own house and wonderful friends and family. And all that's true and I am VERY thankful for it. I just feel like I need to make a difference in the world. I know I should focus on being a good wife and mother, and I definitely want to do that, but I want to be a good role model for Olivia, I want to HELP people and make a difference to the world at large. I would love to do some volunteer work, but that's not really possible with a 6 month old baby. I mean...I know there's prolly a way, but I am really just trying to keep my head above water taking care of her and the house (and quite frankly the house is NOT where it should be, especially since Olivia is going to be crawling soon). I just don't know. Some days, it's just really hard to get out of bed and face the day. I do, because I have to take care of Olivia, but if I didn't have her, I'd be in a MUCH darker place than I am right now....

Operation Baby Nursery

So on Saturday we officially moved Olivia into her crib in her nursery. We had tried to do it when she was 4 mos, but she didn't like it because she was going from her bassinet to her crib in an unfamiliar room and she didn't like that at all. I didn't mean for her to be in our room for so long, but the transition seems to be going okay. The first night she ended up not being able to go back to sleep--there was too many interesting things to look at in the nursery when I was trying to nurse her back to sleep. It's gotten better each night since--except for last night. I dunno what happened last night, but she woke up several times and eventually I just got John to bring her downstairs and have her in the bed with us. She still didn't sleep very well and kept waking me up. Needless to say, I'm not feeling so great today. I do like having her moved out of our room though, in some ways. On the one hand, I liked having her close by. It made me feel more comfortable. I want her to be able to sleep by herself in her own room and feel secure though and, as John has constantly been reminding me, it's much better to transition her while she's too little to really know the difference. I can't help thinking about those kids that I babysat over the summer before last. They slept in the bed with their mom for their WHOLE life! The dad had to sleep on the couch and whenever Lydia took a nap, if she woke up and was in a room by herself she would FREAK OUT! I definitely don't want that for Olivia--too emotional for everyone involved. It's nice having the room to ourselves again. We can talk in a normal voice before going to sleep and can watch movies in bed at night again, which we haven't been able to do since Olivia was born. John says it "feels like we're actually married again", which is very true. I didn't know what an impact having her in our room made, but apparently it was quite a big one. She's doing so well, she's very adaptable. So proud of my big girl! :-)